Perhaps my biggest sin in the kitchen is overuse of paper towels. The other day I went to the QFC in search of more, and the brand on sale was Brawny.

Brawny is not your sissy metrosexual paper towel. To use Brawny, you have to be like Brad Pitt, both in terms of the character he played in Fight Club and the Angelina Jolie-knocking-up character he plays in real life. If there is estrogen in your system, Brawny will recoil in horror when you touch it. A sheet of Brawny can withstand a kick from Jet Li. Brawny is the preferred paper towel for wiping down your axe after chopping a cord of wood.

In short, don’t even think about buying Brawny unless you fulfill both of these qualifications:

1. You are one bad motherfucker.
2. You can’t get enough Mary Engelbreit.