I’m starting to get nervous when I think about knives.

It’s not that I’ve developed aichmophobia, which is the fear of knives and pointy objects. It’s the fear of descending into a well of self-doubt and wallet-mutilating consumerism. The same things that keep everyone up at night, right?

Let’s start at the beginning. I’ve only ever owned one knife, a Henckels Four-Star 8-inch chef’s knife. Okay, sure, I have some butter knives, a paring knife, a boning knife, and a bread knife. (The warden confiscated my shiv.) But those aren’t really knives, in the same way that a PDA isn’t really a computer: yes, it does most of the same things a computer does, and it even does some of them better, but you wouldn’t replace your computer with a PDA. Obviously, I’ve been happy with the Henckels. In Fritz Lang’s _M_, the murderer (Peter Lorre) pauses while on the lam to peer into the window of a knife shop, and the knives for sale are Henckels. If it’s good enough for him, it’s good enough for me.

Last year I did, in fact, have to rely on my knife’s little buddies while the big guy was on vacation. It spent a couple of weeks at the knife-sharpening ranch of Bob Kramer, proprietor of Bladesmiths. Kramer is considered one of the best sharpeners and knife makers in the business. His custom blades are absolutely gorgeous–but if you think a German chef’s knife is expensive at $90, you will probably pass on a Kramer at $400. (They do have a money back guarantee.)

My knife came back from Kramer much sharper than the day I bought it, and with occasional steeling it stayed sharp for over a year. Now it’s dull again. My first inclination was to send it back to Kramer. But I still remember how hard it was to go knifeless last year. It was like going without pants for two weeks. Okay, not really, but it wasn’t fun.

My next thought was, hey, I could send the knife to Kramer but buy myself another knife to tide me over until it gets back. I know exactly what it would be: a Forschner Victorinox. The Forschner is a strange beast among knives. It’s made via the same inexpensive process (stamping) that produces millions of cheap and crappy knives, but somehow the Forschner comes out cheap (about $30, and I’ve seen them online for less) but not at all crappy. In fact, it’s sometimes beaten the Germans in tests by Cook’s Illustrated and others. If you’re shopping for your first good knife and aren’t ready to spend $90, the Forschner is for you.

Obviously, this is where I started to dig that well. I thought, hmm, I can’t just get another 8-inch chef’s knife and let it sit around in a drawer fifty weeks out of the year. I could get something different. I’ve sometimes wondered whether I would prefer a 10-inch chef’s knife. A lot of professionals use them. Or I could try one of those newfangled santokus, which proponents claim are especially good for slicing vegetables, though not as good for chopping, since the blade doesn’t have much of a curve.

No, no, I decided. I don’t need another knife. I looked online for a local sharpener with a faster turnaround. Everybody seemed to have good things to say about [Epicurean Edge](http://www.epicureanedge.com/), in Kirkland. Their turnaround time is 24 hours, and they’re open weekends. I was about to head over there.

Then, when I least expected it, I fell victim to another common affliction, one that disproportionately strikes males. This disease is known as “I could probably fix that myself.”

I’ve tried knife sharpening. I have a double-sided hone, and I’ve dutifully scrubbed my knife against it. The evidence of sharpening was there, the little metal leavings, but obviously I was doing it wrong, because the knife was no sharper than when I started. I’ve also tried an electric sharpener, but I got scared that it was shaving big chunks off my knife and that in a matter of months I’d be left with a pitiful stump.

Then I remembered the eGullet Culinary Institute (eGCI), and specifically Chad Ward’s Knife Maintenance and Sharpening course. Chad says–I am paraphrasing here–that sending your knives out to a professional is like hiring a professional to make love to your spouse. Okay, actually what he says is:

> Knife sharpening is not difficult. It is not shrouded in mystery. With a little knowledge, a little geometry, a couple of tricks and some inexpensive tools, knife sharpening can be fairly easy and extremely rewarding.

Chad is writing a really cool book called _An Edge in the Kitchen_, which will be out next year, but you can read the very entertaining sharpening course right now. He discusses many different sharpening tools, and one of his recommendations stuck with me (sorry), because it’s inexpensive and comes with colorful plastic pieces.

It’s called the GATCO Edgemate, and it comes with a handheld clamp for holding the knife at the correct sharpening angles, plus coarse, medium, and fine hones. I ordered one (new in box) on eBay for about $27 total, which is less than I would pay to have my chef’s, boning, and paring knives sharpened a single time at Epicurean Edge. It should arrive next week.

I’m really excited to try the GATCO, and I’ll let you know how it goes and whether I’m capable of using it without developing aichmophobia.