I’m a pretty good cook. I can work without a recipe. I am proficient with sauteing, frying, broiling, and steaming.

But I’ve never grilled.

That’s an exaggeration. When I was a teenager I used to take a couple of frozen Costco beef patties from the freezer, go out on the patio, and fire up the gas grill. When the patties were almost done, I’d throw on a couple slices of cheese, and toast the bun on the top rack of the grill. This wasn’t really cooking. “Really cooking” means there’s a chance you’re going down in flames. I did read something once about spiders nesting in the gas tubes and causing fiery death (of the griller as well as the spiders), which made the enterprise feel risky enough that I, a teenager, was drawn to it.

I ate quite a lot of these burgers. Sometimes I ate one *as a snack.* What they say about teenage boys is true. It’s the only time in my life I can remember having a big appetite, and I miss it; it would have come in handy during my restaurant critic days.

For all of my adult life I’ve lived in grill-incompatible apartments. We have a balcony here, and it’s technically legal to grill on it, but it wouldn’t be kind to our upstairs neighbors. That’s okay. I prefer pan-fried steaks to grilled ones, and it’s not hard to get grilled food when I go out to eat.

My grill fantasy is small-time. I want one of those small, rectangular grills used by Thai street vendors for satay and *moo ping* (pork on a stick). I love meat on a stick in all its forms, most of all satays with their lemongrass marinades and burnt edges. That Turkish dish that is like a wavy elongated meatball on a sword is awesome, too, and if anyone knows the name of it or even has any idea what I’m talking about, please comment.

What I really want isn’t a grill. I want a Thai street vendor to set up shop in front of my house. We could call our order off the balcony and send Iris down to the sidewalk with a couple bucks to pick up dinner. Papaya salad, an immodest number of satays, maybe a little lagniappe from the vendor’s Turkish friend. Iris needs to learn how to carry a sword sooner or later, anyway.