I am guilty of a great many sins, but reprinting press releases verbatim is not one of them. Until now! I just got the following email, and after I stopped laughing, I knew I would have to share it with you.
> Hi Matthew,
> I read over your blog and really enjoyed it (I totally agree about lime juice by the way! God’s gift to fruit!). I thought you might like to hear about a few different treats we have going on at TCBY and Mrs. Fields – especially Mrs. Fields brand new logo cookies that are so fun for tons of different occasions.
> Mrs. Fields is introducing Mrs. Fields logo cookies: completely customizable soft butter cookies to which you can add personalized messages and images! They are perfect for a bridal shower or wedding reception favor. Or, imagine a big BBQ with a plate full of cookies that say “Happy 4th from the Smiths!” They are reasonably priced and have a quick turn around time, so they are great for any family looking to add a little bit of spice to their holiday plans.
**They also have prefab messages to choose from, such as FUCK YOU OTIS SPUNKMEYER.**
> MRS. FIELDS also presents blended ice cream creations, Chillers and Breezers!
> 1. CHILLERS: Tasty blended treats that allow you to personalize your chiller by choosing cookies from the Mrs. Fields line (ex: chocolate chip and macadamia nut) to have blended with premium ice cream and milk to create a cool drink even better than your classic cookies and milk combo. Great for:
> – Hot summer day at the park or local Little League game
> – Evening strolls on the cool summer nights
> 2. BREEZERS: The new line of smoothies, available in flavors like Raspberry, Peach, and Strawberry-Banana – perfect for your summer palate. With just the right blend of ice cream, fruit, and juice, Breezers are perfect for a person on-the-go looking for a yummy midday pick me up. Perfect for:
> – Carpool on the way home from summer camp
> – After a long day stuck in the office
> — FOR THE MORE HEALTH CONCIOUS —
> TCBY offers a few healthier alternatives to indulgent summer treats.
> 1. SMART SUNDAE: (my personal favorite) This guilt-free sundae provides all of the taste and toppings of a real sundae, but only contains 280 calories! They are also really easy to make at home (I can set you up with the recipe)!
> 2. BERIYO SMOOTHIE: Summer flavored smoothies that combine real dairy frozen yogurt with real fruit, offering a healthy vitamin boost to make sure you can power through the rest of your day!
**Prevents beriberi, yo.**
> I think you would also be pretty surprised to hear about the incredible health benefits of frozen yogurt (a great thing to write about in of itself): the seven multi-beneficial live and active cultures produce results in the body such as:
> * Boost the immune system
> * Help with better absorption of nutrients
> * Promote weight loss
> * Prevent osteoporosis
**You may be skeptical here, but since I started eating frozen yogurt, I have not gotten osteoporosis once.**
> One more great thing going on in the health market right now is the introduction of 4C Totally Light to Go Vitamin Stix: these little pouches of vitamin powder mix right into your bottled water to give you a healthy vitamin boost and flavorful (think passionfruit/citrus!) midday pick up – with ZERO SUGAR and ZERO CALORIES (compared to Vitamin Water with 150 calories, or Lipton2Go with 20 calories).
**4C Totally Light to Go Vitamin Stix? Okay, who’s been spending too much time with the Marketing Department Magnetic Poetry kit?**
> If you want any more information about any of the above products, please don’t hesitate to give me a call or shoot me an email! I can provide you with anything else you need.
**Could you Fedex me a SMART SUNDAE? Thanks.**
> Looking forward to hearing from you,
> Ashley Van Horne
> LIME Public Relations + Promotion
oh god, breathe…
I read this post GoogleReader — which doesn’t seem to understand quote formatting — so it looked like all of the copy was in the press release.
Needless to say, this was even funnier than you intended. :D
I, too, had to come see the email on your site from GoogleReader. I was REALLY hoping that the comments, which I see now are yours, were part of her email to you. Maybe if they were, they’d get a couple more people to write about their products. :) Thanks for the laugh!
Was your Otis Spunkmeyer line an intentional, albeit possibly obscure, pun?
Ditto what Anita said. :D
That’s weird. But it does read better that way, doesn’t it?
Speaking of the Magnetic Poetry Kit, could you combine the Soft Butter Cookies with Customizable Messages and the Chillers with cookie pieces and get an edible version of the kit (that is so fun for tons of occasions)?
“Totally Light to Go Vitamin Stix” just depresses me but still, I loved this! Thanks!
They should be called “Like, Totally Light to Go, Like, Vitamin Stix.”