Tonight at bathtime…

> **Iris** (while I was flicking suds at her): You throwin’ mashed potatoes at me?

Later, she picked up some suds in her little red barrel. “That’s a creamy head!” Then she made what sounded like her usual fake-snoring noise.

“Are you snoring?” I asked.

“No, I’m drinking the beer.” She nudged her plastic fish toward the barrel. “That’s some fishy snack. Fish is eating some oatmeal.”

“Is it Irish oatmeal?” I asked.

“No, it’s fish oatmeal.”

Parents, don’t give your kids the good stuff. Stick to junk food. Otherwise, this could happen to you.

Last night I was rereading a great little essay by Lucian K. Truscott IV about pancakes. It appears in Best Food Writing 2003. Basically the piece is just about Truscott making pancakes for his daughter and son, but it has many charming bits, such as the fact that he calls his son Five.

I resolved that I would make pancakes for Iris this morning. I woke up with a 101 fever and generally feeling like a pancake myself. But dammit, we were going to have pancakes even if I had to order them from the hospital cafeteria. Iris woke up at 7:30, and I went in and said, “Hey, Iris, how would you like some pancakes this morning? And some bacon?”

“Nueske’s,” said Iris.

“We don’t have any Nueske’s today, just Farmland.”

I tried to change the subject by telling Iris I was feeling sick but that I’d taken some medicine. “So you’re all better now,” she said.

So I made the pancakes and a few strips of bacon. Inevitably, Iris ate a whole pancake, but she took a couple bites of bacon and said, “Dada, this bacon doesn’t taste good.”

Maybe I could teach her to recognize a dozen types of bacon by taste, and she could be the spokeskid for the Bacon of the Month Club.

This one requires some setup.

Iris has five vital bedtime toys. One is a wooden teething ring with a lemon. This is known as Lemo. One is a stuffed duck. This is known as Ducky.

The other three, however, are these wide-eyed space-babies known as Sweeties. The actual product name is Manhattan Baby Cozy Cradles. I think they’re discontinued, however, which could prove problematic if we ever need to replace one. There are two Blue Sweeties and one Purple Sweetie. Purple Sweetie is the most important stuffed animal of all. Here’s what Blue Sweetie looks like:

A few weeks ago, when the sun first came out, we bought some sidewalk chalk. Iris requested a drawing of various Sweeties, so I drew some. Then she got bored with the regular sweeties and requested Yellow Sweetie and Green Sweetie and the like. Then I got bored and drew a Sweetie with sharp teeth, angry eyebrows, and a tail, and called it Evil Sweetie. Naturally, this was Iris’s favorite. Then I drew two tiny Sweeties next to Evil Sweetie and called them Henchsweeties.

Later, Iris noted that the Henchsweeties looked hungry, so we drew them some snacks.

Then it rained for a week and the sidewalk chalk was put away. Yesterday, however, the sun came back, and we went out and drew some new sweeties.

(That green thing coming out of the right side of Evil Sweetie’s neck is its tail, drawn by Iris.)

This morning when I heard Iris wake up, I went into her room and she was lying blearily in her crib as usual. Suddenly her eyes shot open and she said, “WE DIDN’T GIVE THOSE HENCHSWEETIES ANY MUFFINS!”

We got some frozen wild huckleberries at the market today and had some at lunch. I put Iris’s berries on her plate and mine in a bowl. Iris promptly grabbed my spoon and started eating berries out of the bowl.

I said, “Iris, your huckleberries are on your plate. May I have my bowl and spoon back, please?” She picked up one berry with her spoon and made a forlorn face. “Okay, just eat that one and then I’d like my berries back.”

She ate that one while I took a bite of macaroni. When I looked back up, she was spooning up about twelve berries.

“Uh-oh, I guess I had another one,” she said.

We were eating an especially good batch of ants on a tree.

> **Iris:** Tell you what Dada put on those noodles.

> **Me:** Soy sauce, hot bean paste, jalapeño, broth, and scallions.

> **Iris:** Tell you what is on that pork bite.

> **Me:** Soy sauce and hot bean paste.

> **Iris:** No, warm bean paste.

> **Me:** It’s called hot bean paste because it’s spicy.

> **Iris:** Tell you what is on *that* pork bite.

> **Me:** Soy sauce and hot bean paste. Iris, do you think I seasoned all the pork bites separately?

> **Iris:** Yes.